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At some point along the way, this endless cycle of hope and disappointment hit me right between the eyes. I realized that I had spent years seeking love, but never working to build it. I disagree. Longing for love is not weakness.
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It's wisdom. Numbing our loneliness is a path to a despair that plagues our entire culture. We are not meant to be alone and self-sufficient. Without lives filled with love, we wither inside. Intimacy is oxygen. We don't need to transcend our hunger for love-we need to honor it. Yet they are also the places from which we love most fully.
There is a formula that I've seen proven true in my work and my life: to the degree that we treasure our Core Gifts yes, treasure them; dispassionate acceptance isn't enough we attract caring, thoughtful people who are also miracle of miracles attracted to us.
And, equally amazing, we become more attracted to people who are good for us, and less interested in people who diminish us or leave us feeling insecure. I grew up in a family of Holocaust survivors.
In their eyes, too much tenderness translated into weakness, and weakness led to death. So I grew up with a powerful wall of shame and anger around this central attribute of my being.
Wahre Liebe wollte. Ich bin 30 Jahre alt, 1,78 cm gro? und habe KurvenIch bin Deep Dating Interchange ehrlich, treu, humorvoll, arbeitend, tierlieb und bodenstandig. Ich suche einen Mann, der mir ehrlich bedeute.t. Sie sollten gleich gro? oder gro?er, treu, humorvoll und bodenstandig sein/ Deep Dating Interchange Jahre, cm gro? und habe Kurven. Ich bin ehrlich, treu, humorvoll, berufstatig, tierliebend und bodenstandig. Ich suche einen Mann der es ehrlich mit mir meint. Du solltest gleich gro? oder gro?er sein, treu, humorvoll berufstatig und bodenstandig/ Look for dating websites that are values-based, or for websites that offer events, meet-ups, volunteer activities, and communities of shared interests. Lead With Your Truest Self Dating is hard.
And that wall stopped me from finding any lasting romantic relationship. But they can scare us. It takes work to learn to handle their complexity, vulnerability, and power. As worthy as our gifts are, they are by no means hall passes to happiess They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive, or most naive, around them.
They challenge us and the poeple we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected. Each step we take away from the center of the circle represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each zone outward makes us feel safe, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet each zone outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning.
As we get further away from our Core Gifts, we feel more and more alone and adrift. When we get too far from the warmth and humanity of our deepest self, we begin to experience a very painful sense of emptiness and despair. The more you live in your Gift Zone and act on its promptings, the more love you will have in your life-and the closer you will come to your future relationship. In this zone your unique magic comes alive and begins to influence your world.
We all have a suspension bridge inside us that we can visit anytime we wish: it is the scary challenge of authenticity. If we seek deeper intimacy in our lives, each of us must face inward to the challenge of our authentic self. Your song, should you be brave enough to sing it, will attract people who are searching for someone like you. As you live from your Gift Zone, you will meet people you wouldn't have met. You will create things in the world. You will inspire people. You will feel strange and scared at times, but you will be claiming new ground of personal goodness, ground that others will want to stand on-I promise you.
When you live in your Gift Zone, you will shine. Many people won't notice-and they don't have to. The people who have been hungry for a person like you will feel thankful that they have finally found you. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them, you'll shine. They are the ache, the compelling pull, the inner reaching that we sometimes honor and sometimes try to silence.
They are the music that keeps playing below the surface of our minds. To acknowledge our Core Gifts is to create deeper intimacy with our most essential self. They are so basic to our inner life that it's hard for us to believe everyone doesn't have the same gifts. This can get us into a lot of trouble, because we expect everyone to hold the same values and sensitivities as we do, and when they don't meet the standards we set for ourselves-and don't even seem to care-we assume that it's because there's something wrong with us.
Rather, it's simply a matter of realizing that our gifts are deeply unique, and that not everyone shares our sensitivities. The kind of person you're seeking is someone who is drawn to your Core Gifts, your authentic self.
If you wait until you know someone loves you before you reveal these parts of yourself, it's as though you're waiting for the harvest without planting the seeds. It's the vulnerability, warmth, and humanity of your gifts that will make the right person notice and come to love you.
In actuality, there is a great cultural discomfort with joy, and our voracious pleasure seeking is often a mask for our fear of simple joy.
Joy frightens us, it makes our defenses quake-it almost invites a superstitious fear of 'the other shoe dropping.
If I hadn't coached him in how to honor the almost unbearable burden of his gift, he would have felt ashamed of the depth of his love. Now, he could at least honor himself as he grieved, and that honoring helped him find his own path to healing. Sensing what is happening in our heart, in our environment, and in the hearts of others is a profound gift.
Each layer inward brings us to another level of passion. Each layer inward allows us to love more deeply, and each trains us in a new level of skill, bravery, and wisdom. And we often need the insight of others to help us decipher our Core Gifts. Creating a relationship with our Core Gifts is the task of a lifetime.
Most of us must practice exposing ourselves to our Core Gifts in small doses, gradually increasing our tolerance for their power, their tenderness-and their immense challenge. Our deepest gifts can grow and mature, but they can never be domesticated. They will never fit into the small, safe, well-mannered boxes we create for them. They will continue to draw outside the lines, to get us in trouble, cajole us to the edge of authenticity, cause tears we don't understand, surprise us with their emotion-filled truths.
They are also most resilient in the face of trauma and disaster. If they are also wise enough to choose relationships in which their generosity is appreciated and returned, their lives become profoundly gratifying. If you don't seize the moment and take your date's hand when you feel like it, something is lost. Saying 'I love you' and touching your partner sexually or sensually in a way that speaks from your deepest heart are both acts of generosity.
And the experience of having someone respond with joy and reciprocation provides a deep sense of mastery for your gifts. I can be generous. I am wanted. I can love. We register that 'rightness' with feelings of peace, gratification, and stability.
These are signs that our Core Gifts, those barometers of our very soul, are being honored, seen, and embraced.
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When things feel wrong, we feel empty, sad, hurting. These are signs that our Core Gifts are somehow not being seen or honored-by others, and quite likely by ourselves.
The places where we feel most broken often don't need to be fixed. What they need is to be heard. As much as most of us want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved-precisely in the parts of ourselves where we feel most unsure and tender. When we are loved in such a way, we feel freedom and relief and permission to love in a deeper way.
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No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of willpower. When we surround ourselves with people who honor our gifts and whose gifts we also honor, our lives blossom.
Who is not afraid of your passion or envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are your gold. Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them.
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If you think this way, chances are good that you are sabotaging your search for love. If you seek romantic love but are not building love into your relationships with friends and family, chances are good that you won't find what you're looking for.
In a talk I attended by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, I remember her saying, 'The more I grow, the more my friends become like lovers and my lovers become like friends. If we don't get out in time, we're almost sure to get hurt.
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We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner's love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time worrying about what we've done wrong, or what we can do differently to make things right.
These relationships can trigger a sense of need and longing that robs us of our balance. With some attractions of deprivation, we see the red flags early on but can't stop ourselves. With others, the deprivational cts of the relationship don't reveal themselves right away. In these relationships our fear of intimacy is hiding in plain sight. We're desperately seeking a solid love-from someone who we know, deep down, won't give it to us. With an attraction of deprivation, in some odd way we are safe.
I've found that the people most drawn to attractions of deprivation experience discomfort, fear, unworthiness, or anger when they are confronted with a kind, stable, and available partner.
The more we are drawn to attractions of deprivation, the less we will feel comfortable with available and caring people.
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Many of us need to develop our taste for healthy, stable relationships. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept and return our partner's caring, not to win that caring. Our partners might challenge us to be better, but at bottom, they love us for who we are. Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the real sense of well-being that the relationship creates in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that's denied us. These attractions often unfold slowly.
They get richer as time goes on. They may take lots of work-but such relationships allow the work of intimacy. They make us feel love, not desperation. These are the only relationships to build a life around, the only ones that deserve the gift of our most intimate self. And I promise you, they really are out there.
These relationships are not only the path to love; they are the path to our own greatness. Through them we can find a way past the fears and wounds that dwarf us.
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Popular psychology tells us that we can only love others if we love ourselves first. But the real truth is often the other way around: until we feel seen and loved in the places we're most vulnerable usually the places of our deepest giftsfew of us will ever be able to fully love ourselves. That's the great boon of relationships of inspiration. We experience our loved one seeing into our very core-and valuing what he sees. In the wake of this experience comes a sense of bravery, an innate desire to share our gifts-not out of obligation but from a sense of joyful overflow.
And that makes us into just the kind of person we are looking for-one who inspires others simply by who she is. Does he or she make you a better you? It's almost as though our attractions of deprivation are the universe's way of saying, 'There's work to be done around your relationship to this gift.
When we deny them, they haunt us, often through relationships that demean that exact part of ourselves. If you act on these lessons, you will become more creative. You'll have less tolerance for relationships of deprivation and you'll become more attracted to relationships of inspiration. You'll become a better friend to yourself and your loved ones.
These are not empty promises, and this is no secret formula. Our hearts are whispering to us-sometimes shouting to us-all the time.
The issue isn't that we're not being called; it's that we prefer to ignore that call. We feel a sense of creativity and worth. Our fear of rejection becomes less tyrannical. Connecting with the world as we really are becomes our new passion. That is the art of deeper intimacy and it is dynamic, scary, and priceless.
Kindness and generosity are intoxicating to others. They are the very medium of intimacy. Love is found, noticed, and cherished in tiny moments of thoughtfulness. Growing up, nobody really taught me about relationships. Sure, I learned the usual anecdotes - "Love is hard work," "Don't be with someone you're not attracted to," but I also learned the cliches, like how real love is always "love at first sight" and "when you know, you just know. Page is the first person to gi Growing up, nobody really taught me about relationships.
Page is the first person to give me a coherent theory about how romantic love works, why it works when it does, and why it works when it doesn't. Best of all, it's backed up by my lived experience - Page uses examples from his clinical practice all throughout the book, and I see myself in the people he's worked with.
When I implement the changes he recommends, my life does get better. Deeper Dating is not a find-love-tomorrow scheme.
Page does not teach you any tips, tricks, or secrets for getting into someone's pants. What Page does is teaches you how to identify the things that are most important to you in your heart so you develop attractions for people who are compatible and available, instead of for people who are incompatible and unavailable which is, unfortunately, the default state of most people.
Feb 11, Akilah rated it really liked it Shelves:self-help. The most helpful chapters to me here were the ones on the attractions of inspiration and deprivation because they honestly helped me learn more about myself and my relationships than most other books I've read. Everything after that was your standard self-help book fare, I thought, so if you're new to self-help, the whole thing will probably be super helpful.
If you're pretty familiar with the genre, it'll be the first half of the book. Also, and I will keep saying this, so many of these books on The most helpful chapters to me here were the ones on the attractions of inspiration and deprivation because they honestly helped me learn more about myself and my relationships than most other books I've read.
Also, and I will keep saying this, so many of these books on dating assume that the people reading find it easy to date or have people lining up at their doors. While Page does acknowledge that you may want to practice these skills with friends if you're not currently dating, there is a lack of "and for those of you who don't attract people, here's something for you. It just bugs me is all. I know people get mad when I'm all, "A little acknowledgement for the fuggos in the back," but, you know Aug 29, Wendell Hennan rated it liked it.
Full of good learning points and exercises and suggestions to help the reader, but not a quick and easy read. I found myself reading 20 pages and needing a break and some time to digest. A worthwhile read helping you to understand your strengths before seeking a partner. Sep 12, Jilles rated it really liked it.
Great book about dating and relationships, embracing the shadow parts of you that are part of your deeper self that will help you attract the right person for instead of always falling for the guys who seem to complete you but are almost always the 'bad' ones.
Sep 19, David Bocek rated it it was amazing. One of the best books on dating that I have ever read. I am currently reading one of Harville Hendrix's books. Anyone can get a lot out of it. As a straight male I found the book well-informed.
Great book about dating and relationships, embracing the shadow parts of you that are part of your deeper self that will help you attract the right person for instead of always falling for the guys who seem to complete you but are almost always the 'bad' ones. flag 1 like Like see review.4/5(23). "Deeper Dating is counter-intuitive, and it is among the best manuals for succeeding in finding and keeping love we have seen. According to its author, the core attractor for the person best suited for a great love is the part of you with which you may be most Reviews: Deep Dating is the art of creating intimacy right now, today, on this date. He founded Interchange Counseling Institute in and is the lead teacher of Interchange's San Francisco-based year-long counseling and coaching training. When he's not counseling people, leading workshops, and advocating for social justice, Steve climbs mountains.
The main idea or take away that I could give you from this book is that only date people that make you happy. Life is too short to waste your time with people who make you feel alone or ruin your life or destroy your self-esteem One of the best books on dating that I have ever read.
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Life is too short to waste your time with people who make you feel alone or ruin your life or destroy your self-esteem. This book is toward the top of the list. It's definitely a must read for people struggling with bad relationships or negative dating patterns. Oct 11, Allison Schentrup rated it really liked it Shelves: There are ways May 02, No one comes with a manual.
Fortunately, your mind works all on its own, performing everyday marvels without requiring any intervention from you.
Feb 23, Snappy dating profile - check! About as attractive as you are - check! Gets along Jun 20, I'm a better human because of going through this process - I think everybody should get a chance to take Interchange. Interchange has given me a sense of calmness and an ability to be more true to who I am. Rivka Leah Jade Yoga Teacher. Steve is an inspired leader, a heart-felt and gifted, brilliant and loving human being.
Tracey Knapp Marketing Manager. I know I could reach out to anyone from the program and I would find the love and support we all need in difficult times.
Interchange empowered me as a therapist, adding freedom, creativity and joy to the process of helping people. Trevor Williams Counselor.