Recently, I've been enjoying a very particular type of dating. I have a serious partner I'm committed to, but we're in a non-monogamous relationship where we're allowed to more casually date other people. Because of this set-up, I have to say, I've been getting a lot better at first dates than ever before. Probably because there simply isn't as much at stake for me now if a date goes badly, I've learned to really hone the power of being direct and honest. Instead of worrying a ton about coming off as charming, or asking a bunch of questions that will somehow ingratiate the other person towards me, I'm just myself - and own it. We know confidence is hot , but more specifically, I think what we mean when we say that is that honest and kind confidence is hot. Being honest on a first date isn't about bragging, auditioning, or provoking the other person.
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You have a right to know whether you're about to get involved with someone who's more passive than you'd like. My current partner asked me about my belief in eating animals on our first date, and non-monogamy on the second. These were two moral issues that he'd learned were important to him in any relationship, and far from feeling tested or judged when he asked me about them, I appreciated his directness and interest in my answers.
Anyone who tells you these types of topics are "too personal" for a first date is clearly more interested in having a second date than they are having a compatible partner. It's OK to have moral dealbreakers, even when it comes to casual dating. So, go ahead - ask how they feel about the election, God, abortion, or whatever else. It will save both of you time if you find you can't agree.
I think women especially feel awkward asking this one, because we're afraid of coming off like we're looking to "trap" someone into a serious relationship.
However, since I started going on dates as a non-monogamous person, I've come to appreciate this question, and I've been impressed by how often men now ask it of me.
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Like most of the questions on this list, this is simply about giving the other person permission to be honest - and allowing you to see how reflective and compatible they are in the process.
I was out on a particularly awesome first date last week when I asked this one. It might sound rude, but if you ask it right, it's actually quite the compliment, and a cute way of implying interest, perhaps less overtly than saying, " How are you still single?!
For a second I was worried, but then he laughed in that way a cute, mature guy does when he's refreshed by your honesty. I like it," he said.
Then, he shared a long answer with me about his dating history in which I found out that a there were no red flags I could detect, b he was emotionally open, reflective, and honest, and c he wasn't trying to hide anything, so far as I could tell. This is a totally valid question to ask on a first dateespecially if you both seem interested.
Their ability to answer it will show you whether this is a person worth your time, and it's even a nice way to let them know you think they're a catch. OK, so you don't have to ask this on a first date, but too often, people wait to ask about STD testing until they're in the heat of the moment. If you can tell a date is going well, and there's a natural opening for this - like maybe if you find yourselves making out, or talking about something sexy or your health - it is totally legit to ask this ahead of when you'd actually want to have sex.
For one, it gives them a head's up that this is important to you, and some more time to get tested before your next date if they haven't been in awhile. For another, if they react with shock or judgement, it's a red flag that they might not take safety as seriously as you do.
Lastly, if they take this question as license that you're automatically going to want to have sex with them, or are somehow promising to once they get tested, that's a sign that they're not mature enough to merit getting in your pants.
If, however, they respond they've been tested recently or can at least remember the last time they have, you might have a safe, sex-positive winner on your hands. As someone who uses online dating, I've always appreciated when people ask me this question, because it shows they are open to feedback.
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If you can either ask or answer this question honestly and kindly, in my book, you're a self-aware person. Plus, you might find out something useful.
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I was once on a date with no chemistry where I was honest with him about some confusion I'd had reading his profile. He later texted me to thank me for the feedback, and had edited nearly every point I'd addressed.
Missionary sex gets written off as "boring" all the time - and OK, sometimes it can be. One partner is on their back, the other partner leans over them, and then penetration of some sort occurs.
That's the drill. But before you cancel the classics.
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